Is There A “Right” Way To Parent?

A mother once told me how she was upset with herself for not using a parenting style discussed in a book she was currently reading. This is someone I highly respect- adoptive parent, thoughtful, caring, and highly involved in her son’s therapy. I was surprised to hear how quick she put herself down because of this author’s idea of the “right way” to parent. Thinking about how you may have done things differently is one thing, but beating yourself up over it is another!

There are definitely some wonderful approaches to parenting out there… Positive Parenting, Love and Logic, Attachment Parenting, etc. but I don’t believe there is ONE RIGHT way to parent that works for everybody. There is not one right way to potty train. There is not one right way for your baby to sleep. There is not one right decision to make on whether to let your child have diluted juice or not. In reality, if one parenting book tells you to do one thing, I guarentee there is another book out there that will have a variation, or even a contradiction. So, please, don’t be so hard on yourself! And don’t be so hard on your fellow mommies out there!

Are there some general guidelines out there? Are there general standards, for moral and health reasons, that all parents should follow? Absolutely! Some are even recommended by the American Pediatric Association. These are not what I am referring to now. What I am talking about are the “styles” and “techniques” that are offered to us each and every day as parents and all the little things that we criticize ourselves and others so much for.

Every child, every parent, every family, and every circumstance is different. We all have values, priorities, obligations, and a bunch of other “stuff” that affects how we choose to raise our children. Read all the books, magazines, and blogs you want, but at the end of the day, you have to make a decision to do what fits best with your child.

No matter the age of your kids, when you have a choice to make, gather all the information you can, reflect on your own goals and values, and make the best decision you know how with the information you have available. If you learn later of a better way you could have handled that stage of your child’s life, or that a certain food is not so good after all, you can rest assured that you did the best you knew how at that time.

As a therapist, it’s important to me that parents of my child and adolescent clients feel a sense of confidence in themself and their abilities. Judgment from me, other parents, or family members is not helpful.

In summary, there are several parenting philosophies that I think are fantastic. I tend to pull a little bit from each and apply what works with my own philosophy and values. So, is there a right way to parent? There is for me! But it may be different for you! What do you think?

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Sibling Rivalry: Treating Kids Fairly Versus Equally

We’ve all been there. A couple of screaming kids (usually siblings) race to your feet and you find yourself playing referee to the latest argument. What is your typical reaction? You may have never considered how your response in these moments will impact the kids, but there are actually varying viewpoints on the best way to handle sibling rivalry.

Before sharing these viewpoints, I will tell you that my approach to this is the same way I approach techniques in counseling, parenting, and life in general. I take the information available and apply what works with my own experiences and circumstances. It’s all about balance and personal judgment for me.

Treating Kids Equally Versus Fairly

I enjoyed this post by Positive Discipline titled “Put Kids in the Same Boat.” The main idea is that you should not take sides when kids fight because you probably do not know all the details of what happened. The author warns against creating a bully and victim mentality in the children.

Right is always a matter of opinion. What seems right to you will surely seem unfair from at least one child’s point of view. If you feel you must get involved to stop fights, don’t become judge, jury, and executioner. Instead, put them in the same boat and treat them the same. Instead of focusing on one child as the instigator, say something like, “Kids, which one of you would like to put this problem on the agenda,” or, “Kids, do you need to go to yourf eel good places for a while, or can you find a solution now?” or, “Kids, do you want to go to separate rooms until you can find a solution, or to the same room.”

The point is not who did what. The point is that you treat both children the same so one doesn’t learn victim mentality and the other doesn’t learn bully mentality. Surely, the baby won’t be traumatized by being put into her crib for few seconds. Another way to put children in the same boat is to give them both the same choice. “Would you both like to sit on my lap until you are ready to stop fighting?” Do or say whatever is comfortable for you—so long as they are treated the same.

An article on the MainStreetMom website titled Don’t Treat Your Children Equally! Treat Them Fairly by Ron Huxley, LMFT, takes the position that treating kids equally is impossible and can even be harmful.

Sibling rivalry often occurs because parents mistakenly believe that everyone must be treated equally. The reality is that parents cannot treat everyone equally. But they can treat everyone fairly. Fairness implies giving favors in an impartial and consistent manner.  Equality, on the other hand, implies giving favors in an exact or identical manner. Very rarely can a parent give all of their children love or attention in an equal manner.

A fair family treats every one according to their individual needs and considers everyone as worthy of love and respect. Attempting to treat everyone the same actually back fires on parents, as children are not the same in body or spirit.  Ironically, treating them the same would be treating them unequally! Treat your child according to their age, maturity, temperament, and the situation you find yourself in. Be fair to yourself and your child by attempting the only realistic solution: fairness.

Allowing the Children to Solve Their Own Disagreement

I also want to bring up another significant approach to sibling rivalry, which is to allow the children an opportunity to work out their differences and disagreements. Hands down, this will always be my first approach. If I knew what parenting philosopher first recorded this technique, I would credit them here. Encouraging the kids to try to work things out on their own teaches them problem solving and social skills, as well as builds confidence. Be sure to use your judgment on the type of problem they are having, the age and developmental levels of the kids, and whether consequences should be dealt. You may determine that discipline for one or both children is appropriate, or that treating them equally is the best approach.

A recent post by Teacher Tom titled “You Both Want This Toy” is a great illustration of how this theory works in real life. He describes how his toddlers wanted the same toy and he used the moment, even with children so young, to give them an opportunity to develop some valuable social and problem solving skills. Great read!

If this post does anything, I hope it brings awareness about the various ways you can decide to address sibling rivlary, or rivalry between friends, cousins… you’ve got the idea. You don’t have to always punish or always solve the problem. However, keep in mind that how you choose to respond will send a message and create a learning opportunity for those kids.

If you have another approach or resource on this topic, please pass it along. With a second baby on the way, I am getting ready for a short life time of sibling rivalry! Just being a therapist does not mean I can’t learn from all you other moms and dads out there!

Creating a Calm Down Box

The idea of a calm down bin for kids is a fantastic concept that has been around for a while. I have a calm down box in my play room and I am always looking for new ideas on how to build these with my clients. Personal side note: my “calm down box” involves a warm bath, candles, glass of wine, and spa CD, but kids don’t necessarily go for that!

When to use:

These are perfect for encouraging your child to calm down from a tantrum, occupy themself while waiting for something (say lunch), or anytime they feel frustrated, angry, or even sad. Everything in your box should represent a positive and acceptable means of managing emotions.

There are a couple of blogs that recently highlighted the calm down box idea- Here We Are Together and Positive Parenting. They offer some good descriptions on putting together your boxes.

What to Include:

Calm down boxes should contain items that appeal to the senses (or you may hear the phrase “sensory toys”). Basically, toys that feel good to look at, touch, smell, and hear.

• rice bin
• glitter bottle
• soft pillow and blanket
• squeeze toys
• playdough
• sensory (textured) balls
• calming music

Items that focus attention are also good to include.

• books
• rubix cube
• coloring materials

And items that encourage deep breathing.

• bubbles
• pinwheels

Make Your Own Items!

For some homemade items (great for activities in session too), check these out:

Sensory Balloons

Homemade Kaleidoscope

Homemade Playdough

Sensory Bottles

Pinwheel Craft

Colorful Rice Sensory Bin

The homemade items are half the fun of putting these boxes together. These activities encourage creativity and personalization into each item. Kids love to know they can use something them made by hand!

As always, questions/comments/suggestions are welcomed!

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Quick Tip for Attention Seeking Behaviors

* Stop * Reassure * Finish * Play

If you are trying to get chores or cooking done, but your little one is constantly under your feet, pulling your clothes, or acting out nearby, they may be desparately trying to get your attention. Try this example: stop for a moment, bend down at eye level with your child and say “I can see you want mommy’s attention right now. I will be done in ten minutes and then we can play together.” Follw this up with a warm hug and accepting smile. Your child feels reassured by your attention and will hopefully calm down a bit while they excitedly wait for their special time with you.

Remember, you are someone’s world so be sure to keep that promise!! 

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A Few Simple Tips on Handling Transitions with Your Kids

You’re finishing up your coffee talk at your best friend’s house while your kids play joyously together in the next room. When it’s time to go, you get that sick feeling in your stomach because it means another battle with your little one. Every time you have to end one activity and go on to the next, whether it be outside time, school, or nap time, you never know how big of a fight you will have to put up. When kids don’t transition well, it is draining on the parents and any other person involved in the care taking. From a kid’s perspective, imagine you are engrossed in your favorite hobby or really good book and someone interrupts you to tend to something else. OK, who are we kidding? Most parents experience this every day! So, you know how frustrating that can be and hard it is to pull yourself away. For kids, it’s even worse because they don’t see the bigger picture, it is not by choice, and they don’t yet have the skills to deal with these emotions and disappointments. Hopefully I can offer a few tips to make these moments a little smoother. If you have tried any others, please share!

• Give them a warning of the upcoming transition. Let them know they have 5 minutes left, then 3 minutes. A visual works best in this case because kids are not the best judges of time. You can also use quantities, such as “you can go down the swing two more times,” or “after your turn on the game it will be time to leave.” Here are some options for the visual timers. I use the simple egg timer, sand timer, or the alarm on my phone (nothing fancy with me!).

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• Make transitions as short as needed, depending on your child’s needs and developmental level. For example, if I have a kid who really struggles with leaving the play room, I may tell him we are first going to walk to the edge of the stairs. Once we are there, I check in with him again and point to where we are going next. Eventually, this child will not need such small increments, but we need to meet the child where they are, not where we think they should be.
• Give them verbal praise for small progresses they make in transitions. If your child usually takes 5 times of your telling him to do something, but today he only took 4, tell him you noticed how he listened and went faster today! If your child usually tantrums, full blown on the ground, but today it was more of a whine but no tantrum, give them verbal praise for keeping himself calm and following you quicker today.
• Make the next stop exciting if possible. For example, if you are leaving a play date to get lunch, tell them “We get to go to Chick-fil-a and you can pick out the strips or the sandwich!” This gives them something to look forward to. If it is something like going to school, say “let’s go show Ms. Nancy your drawing you did this morning!”
• For bigger transitions, like moving to a new house, having a new baby, or getting a dog, talk to them about what will happen. I also recommend reading books to them or doing an art activity. I talked with one mom who was worried about their upcoming move into a new house. She decided to draw a picture of the new house with her daughter and said she could see her getting really excited, especially when she drew her own room!

 Again, I hope I am able to give you some easy tips to try with transitions. Please feel free to share any others you have tried and any other questions or comments you have!

 References:

http://simplemom.net/14-books-to-help-ease-children-through-transitions/

http://otswithapps.wordpress.com/2012/01/06/visual-timer-apps/

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Using Signs to Teach Your Toddler About Feelings

As a counselor, I spend a lot of time teaching kids how to identify and communicate their feelings. So when my son Max (14 months) was having a meltdown this weekend, I realized that now is the time to start giving him words (akasigns) to express those emotions. Now is the time to start teaching him there is a word for these feelings he is having and that it’s normal to feel angry, frustrated, etc. So, I opened up my baby sign book and dug out the feelings cards. Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not under any fantasies that Max will no longer tantrum or tantrum  any less fiercely, but this is an important first step in teaching my son about his feelings.

I use a book titled Baby Sign Language by Karine Shemel Rosenberg. It comes with colorful flashcards and information on the benefits of signing and how and when to start signing with your baby. Here are the feelings flashcards in this book. You can also see where to purchase this book and see my comments and others at my  Goodreads review.

Applying similar techniques I use when teaching more verbal children about feelings, I can start teaching my young toddler. Here are a few simple things I’ll be focused on:

– Choose which signs you want to focus on, learn them yourself, and get other caregivers (nanny, grandparent, etc) involved. The more exposure to the signs the better.

–At the moment he shows the feeling (angry, sad, happy) say and sign the feeling using an empathetic tone.

– At the moment we see others expressing that feeling, especially another child, say and sign the feeling.
– When he is angry, help him learn to calm himself down by modeling a calm state and offering something that may help calm him such as a quiet room, favorite toy, or affection.
– When he calms, tell him “good job calming yourself down.” This sends the message he has control of his emotions.

It is never too early (or too late) to start using these techniques with your child. Their little brains are constantly taking in information and forming connections about their environment and learning behaviors from those around them. Applying these techniques can also take time to get used to, but will be second nature before you know it.

Max is learning his signs quite well these days, communicating his wants and needs to those around him. I am so happy to see when he is able use these signs rather than become upset. If you have been a parent of young children, you understand how frustrating it can be (for baby and you) when they have to fuss because they don’t know any other way to communicate their needs. There is a lot of literature that stands behind the wonderful emotional and psychological benefits of babies learning sign language. I’ll add some resources below to learn more about infant signing.

I have already started teaching these feeling signs and when Max gets the hang of them, I will post a follow up and let you know how it has worked out. If you have already been down this road, I would love to hear about your experience too!

http://www.babysignlanguage.com/ is a fantastic  website to check out. They offer a lot of information on signing, free flash cards, and even have video to show you how to do some of the more complicated signs.

http://signingbaby.com/main/index.php is also a good resource. There are videos of babies signing as well as an index of words.

For a good book, check out Baby Sign Language by clicking on my Goodreads review on the right hand side of this blog. Just above the Goodreads link, click on my Vodpod link to find videos I like. There is a really good video showing a baby signing for her mom. So cute!

Good Job Kiddo!

I’m sure we’ve all heard that rewarding good behavior is more effective than punishing bad behavior. Like most parenting solutions, that can be a lot easier said than done sometimes.

Quick Tips

• Be clear on the behaviors you are rewarding. Is it cleaning their room every night, taking out the trash, or saying “thank you” when appropriate? I suggest talking with your kids, writing it down on a chart, or posting a picture of the behavior.
• Younger kids need immediate rewards, even small ones. Using behavior charts with stickers, marbles in a jar, and so on are good small rewards. You can decide how many stickers,  marbles, etc. they need to earn the big prize.
• Post a visual of the reward to keep them motivated.
• Kids love verbal praise from their parents too, so let them know “Good job!” and “Yea!” when they do something good.

Reward Charts Online

Free Printable Behavior Charts is a great site to find dozens of free behavior charts.  I access this site regularly when working with parents to develop an effective behavior modification program for their child.

Association for Comprehensive Neurotherapy is an overall good website for tips and techniques on working with a variety of issues.

RewardingKids is another good website for reward charts. These cost around $9.95, but if you compare, they are a lot more colorful and interactive than the free ones out there. I have not personally tried this out though. If someone has, I would love to hear some reviews.

iPhone Apps:

iEarnedThat, by Kidoc, is a motivational app for kids. You can upload a picture of the reward your child is working for and the app creates puzzle pieces of the picture. You get to choose the number of puzzle pieces too. So, if you want to give credit for every morning your child gets ready for school on time, you can set it for 5 puzzle pieces.

iReward Chart, by Gotclues, allows children to earn stars for behaviors. You can write your own, or choose from their list of abstract  behaviors, such as sharing with others, eating their vegetables, and so on.

Time Timer, is a visual timer so your child can see how much time they have left. This can be used for time to clean up or time remaining in time out.

Jamin’ Like Mommy

I’ve been amazed lately at how fast my toddler is picking up on the world around him and started to mimic the things his dad and I say and do. Lately, he finds our shoes from around the house and brings them to us, even bringing the right shoes to the right person. This surprised me given he is only 13 months old. So, I decided to do a little experiment last week. I was driving home, him in the back seat, and a good song came on the radio. I decided to jam to the music (I never do this) by rocking my head back and forth with the beat. After just 5 minutes I looked back, and he was doing the exact same thing! Within this very short time, he noticed my behavior and copied it. Wow!

This got me to thinking about the powerful impact we have on our kids behavior. I know, you hear it all the time, but it is so true. Kids are impressionable at any age. When they are younger, they are most impressionable to their parents and caretakers. During adolescence, it is with their peers. Unfortunately, it sometimes seems like they want to copy only the behaviors we don’t want them to, rather than say sitting still in church or not saying that awful word we shouldn’t have said!

Here are some common behaviors our kids will imitate:

• Coping with Anger. If you tend to yell at others or react with violent words or behaviors when angry, your child is likely to try out the same thing. I have had numerous families sit in my office and discuss their concern over their child’s anger and explosive behavior. Often, there is a close adult and usually in the home, who also deals with their emotions in this same way.
• Keeping a Routine. Children will not naturally develop a healthy routine and it is so important for their success in school and later in life. Families should create a routine that fits their lifestyle, so if your family is often on the go, a strict routine will not be realistic and flexibility is important. Other families may be very structured and the daily routines are important and children need to learn this too. As much as you can, teach (and lead by example) your child the importance of a good morning and evening routine.
• Maintaining Boundaries. Boundaries can be emotional or physical. Emotional boundaries define where our feelings end and others begin. We use these to identify who is responsible for our feelings and what is OK to feel during certain circumstances. Physical boundaries define where our personal space begins and other people’s space begins.
• Social Skills. These include greeting people with a friendly hello, using eye contact, shaking hands when necessary, and engaging others in conversation. When you think a child is just playing while you have coffee with your neighbor or making a bank deposit, they are still observing you! Healthy social skills are essential for their lives, both on the playground and when it comes to getting a job. Teach them how to interact with others and the difference between family, friends, acquaintances, and strangers.
• Eating and Exercise Habits. This one does not take much explanation. How you take care of your bodies is how your children will care for their bodies.
• Substance Use. Children notice the use of substances in their home, whether it be legal or illegal, OTC, or prescription. They can also tell if a parent is under the influence of substances. Children and teens have given me details about how they knew their parents were “different” and the parent had no idea their child was so observant.
• Driving. This is not just for parents of teens because, as I have explained, young kids are very influential. Watch your road rage, phone usage, texting, and tendency to always hurry and/or drive recklessly.
• Relationships. This is a part of everyone’s life, whether it be relationships with significant others, friends, and family. Your child will learn about affection, conflict resolution, and more by watching your relationships. They are also learning through your relationship with them. So go ahead, tell them you love them every day!